Dear Husband,
Thank you from the bottom of my little heart for spending every single night scraping, priming, puttying, and painting my kitchen. I promise not to complain when I see brush strokes or tiny imperfections. I know you are doing this because you are a tightwad love me. I understand why you want me to take the kids and “move out” Saturday when you install my new floor. I promise to stay away and not peek. Just promise me you will use a level and that no duct tape will be involved in this project.
xoxox,
Your wifey who expects a brand new kitchen from a $30 can of paint
Dear Furniture Seller Guy,
Remember how you sold me a sofa 5 weeks ago? Remember how you said it was in stock and it could be in my family room in 2 days? Remember how you told me I would save money buying it from your store because all your furniture was manufactured locally? Remember that sign that hung in your window that said”Ask me how to have furniture delivered in 2 days?” I am asking. How? Because the last time I checked, I don’t have a new sofa. Or chair. And you are 4 1/2 weeks past your promised delivery date. When I called you yesterday to inquire about my furniture, you had no answers, just excuses. I really find it hard to believe that in 2010 you can’t look on a computer and see where my furniture is. Texas? Missouri? Mexico? The North Pole? I just need you to find it and if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, deliver it! I would love it if that could happen in oh, say…..2 DAYS!!!
Best,
The slightly pissed off girl who is sitting on the floor
Dear Chase,
Please always remember this day as the “Day My Mom Kept Her Cool”. I want you to think about my tone and posture as I opened up my cell phone bill and discovered that the amount due was akin to my mortgage payment. Think of the calm way in which I asked if you had any idea of the number of texts you sent and received this month. Remember how I gave you a hug and told you I wouldn’t blame you or take your phone. I want you to remember this day my dear son, because if it ever happens again, I might not be so cool.
Love,
Mommy
PS Welcome to the world of unlimited texting. You. are. welcome.
Dear Winter,
I am over you. Please go find another state to bother. I have always enjoyed your brief visits and slightly cooler temperatures. You have overstayed your welcome and quite frankly… I am freezing. On your way out, please take the snow with you.
Sincerely,
The girl with five layers of clothes on and frostbite
Dear Spring,
Oh how I have missed you. I will welcome you with open arms. Arms that are not confined by heavy coats and bulky sweaters. Please come soon.
Love,
Your biggest fan
