You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up!

 

Over a year ago  it became necessary to add unlimited texting to our cellular plan.

That or be plagued with gazillion dollar cell phone bills each month.

Thankyouverymuchchildren.

I chose unlimited.

My husband swore he would never use it.

Swore.

Never.

Why would he type out what he wanted to say instead of just picking up the phone and saying it?

After realizing what a time saver and convenience it was, he became an avid texter.

And we couldn’t be more proud.

Or confused.

Case in point…this was our text conversation a few nights ago:

Me: Need u to pick up Claire from dnce. Txt me when u leave wrk.

Husband: K

*30 mins later*

Me: Where r u?

Husband: ch

Me: Huh?

What the?

ch?

church? chewing? choking?

I have no idea.

The Husband walked in the back door and I look at him still perplexed as to what “ch” meant.

I had to know.

So I asked.

He laughed.

“Oh Wendi…don’t  you know anything?”

“Coming Home!”

But of course.

Why didn’t I think of that?

And yes…just like that he invented his own text language.

I am checking into taking him off our plan.

Clearly he is not ready.

Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car?

 

In the fall I received an email announcing upcoming dates for drivers education.

I laughed.

However did my name get put on the list for drivers ed students?

Clearly they had made a mistake.

I hit delete and never thought about it again until Christmas.

One of my dear friends asked me if I signed Chase up for drivers ed yet?

Um….no.

We have boys that are ten days apart, surely she knew this.

They are only fourteen.

“But they will be fifteen in March”, she gently reminded me.

Gasp!!!

Denial…anyone?

His first class was this morning at 6 am.

I didn’t sleep all night.

I tossed.

I turned.

I watched the clock.

I checked on him fifteen times.

Clearly I am not ready for this.

And this my friends… is just the classroom part.

Reunited

 

While perusing the computer for a homework assignment,

I stumbled upon an old flame.

A true love actually.

And I found myself unable to resist the temptation.

I felt like a giddy school girl.

Blushing as I read.

Laughing at old photos.

Reliving days gone by.

How could I have forgotten so easily?

How could I have tucked it all away and never looked back?

Is it possible to rekindle a forgotten love?

My dear internets, it is never too late.

I am proof.

After begging forgiveness and professing my undying love…..

We are reunited.

And it feels so good. (Name that artist)

Never to be separated again.

At least not for months at the time.

So Happy Get Back With Your Blog Day to me!

If you will excuse us…we have some catching up to do!

See you tomorrow!!!

Decision Time

 

So…I have been thinking.

I know.

That could be dangerous.

But I have been.

Sometimes it has been while waiting in the carpool lane.

(The carpool lanes I should say. At three different schools. But that is another post. For another time. Be jealous.)

Other times I have awakened in the middle of the night.

Thinking.

And in the midst of all this cerebral activity I have come up with a solution to one of my many problems.

No… not split ends.

Or teeth whitening.

You see, I suffer from indecisiveness.

Simply put: I can’t make a decision.

Without worrying.

And fretting.

And chewing the inside of my cheek.

So in all my thinking…

I have come to the conclusion….

that what I really need is to hire a decision maker.

I am not looking for someone to decide the big stuff.

I can do that.

Want more babies?

No.

Want to make more money?

Yes.

I am looking for someone to make small daily decisions on my behalf.

Like what should I eat for breakfast?

Or should I eat at all?

What should I wear?

Should I work today or try to catch up on my homework?

What color should I paint the bathroom?

Should I cook or call for take-out?

Pepsi or Coke?

Paper or Plastic?

You see where I am going with this.

So, send me your resumes.

Only serious decision makers need apply.

No flip floppers wanted.

That is all.

Because One Open Letter Just Wasn’t Enough

Dear Husband,

     Thank you from the bottom of my little heart for spending every single night scraping, priming, puttying, and painting my kitchen.  I promise not to complain when I see brush strokes or tiny imperfections. I know you are doing this because you are a tightwad love me.  I understand why you want me to take the kids and “move out” Saturday when you install my new floor.  I promise to stay away and not peek.  Just promise me you will use a level and that no duct tape will be involved in this project.

xoxox,

Your wifey who expects a brand new kitchen from a $30 can of paint

 

Dear Furniture Seller Guy,

     Remember how you sold me a sofa 5 weeks ago?  Remember how you said it was in stock and it could be in my family room in 2 days?  Remember how you told me I would save money buying it from your store because all your furniture was manufactured locally?  Remember that sign that hung in your window that said”Ask me how to have furniture delivered in 2 days?”  I am asking.  How?  Because the last time I checked, I don’t have a new sofa.  Or chair.  And you are 4 1/2 weeks past your promised delivery date. When I called you yesterday to inquire about my furniture, you had no answers, just excuses. I really find it hard to believe that in 2010 you can’t look on a computer and see where my furniture is.  Texas? Missouri? Mexico? The North Pole?  I just need you to find it and if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, deliver it!  I would love it if that could happen in oh, say…..2 DAYS!!!

Best,

The slightly pissed off girl who is sitting on the floor

 

Dear Chase,

     Please always remember this day as the “Day My Mom Kept Her Cool”.  I want you to think about my tone and posture as I opened up my cell phone bill and discovered that the amount due was akin to my mortgage payment. Think of the calm way in which I asked if you had any idea of the number of texts you sent and received this month. Remember how I gave you a hug and told you I wouldn’t blame you or take your phone. I want you to remember this day my dear son, because if it ever happens again, I might not be so cool.

Love,

Mommy

PS Welcome to the world of unlimited texting.  You. are. welcome.

 

Dear Winter,

     I am over you.  Please go find another state to bother.  I have always enjoyed your brief visits and slightly cooler temperatures. You have overstayed your welcome and quite frankly… I am freezing. On your way out, please take the snow with you.

Sincerely,

The girl with five layers of clothes on and frostbite

 

 Dear Spring,

     Oh how I have missed you. I will welcome you with open arms. Arms that are not confined by heavy coats and bulky sweaters. Please come soon.

Love,

Your biggest fan

Do You See What I See?

I found this fun little wooden embellishment to go on my freshly painted cabinets.

I primed it and left it to dry.

While I was at school, Mr. Because Wendi Said So decided to finish some painting and surprise me by hanging  my little embellishment.

Sweet…no?

Not only did he hang it, he glued it with wood glue.

I believe his exact words were, “That sucker isn’t going any where!”

So how do I tell him he hung it upside down?

And that every time I  look at it all I see is female body parts.

A uterus and fallopian tubes to be exact.

Which clearly was not the look I was going for.

See what I mean….

Clean Hands. Cute Bottles.

 

I found the cutest little project.

I would love to claim it as my own.

I have always been told that creativity is not revealing ones source.

I have also been taught that honesty is the best policy.

Therefore, I will reveal that I found the project here.

Chris is one creative girl!

Since last week was Valentine’s Day, I couldn’t resist making a few.

I also couldn’t resist sharing the fun with you.

Teacher Appreciation week is just around the corner.

And St. Patrick’s Day.

And Easter.

Sorry I got a little ahead of myself.

Shall we get started?

Go out and buy bottles of hand sanitizer.

With the pumps.

Any brand will do.

Carefully peel off all the labels so you have a clean surface.

I used a product called goo-gone to remove any sticky residue left by the labels.

Buy lots of pretty ribbon.

When you think you have enough…buy a few more rolls.

Just to be sure.

 

Find some fun stickers to go with your theme.

I chose letters, because I am a monogram kind of girl.

 

Place your monogram on the middle of your bottle.

Tie on lots of pretty ribbon.

 

Give one to all the teachers in your life.

And your germaphobe friends.

Just don’t forget to keep one for yourself!