Friday, January 25, 2008

Meet Billy!

Meet Billy! Our family pet . Four feet of synthetic rubber something. If you are me, it is four feet of terror just waiting to happen!

Chase acquired "Billy" several years ago much to my chagrin. Chase's grandparents (my mom and dad) bought him this realistic looking creature from the NC Zoo in Asheboro. (I cannot remember what terrible thing I did to my parents that warranted such a prize.) I won't go into great detail about the exact tone and language used when this rubber-like reptile entered our home. Let's just say that I was not happy! But...(and I have to throw in the but), Chase was ecstatic! He could not have been happier! The look on his face was...well... okay, he batted his big blue eyes at me twice.... and Billy was part of the family! ( Chase must have given my parents "the look" too!)
I vividly remember speaking with my dear husband about our newly acquired pet. I remember making it very clear that I did not want to play with Billy, or hold Billy, or have anything to do with Billy. Billy was to be the boys' toy. I also remember emphasising my distaste for any and all snakes. (Real or not) The last thing I remember saying about Billy was, "Please, no scaring me with that snake!"

For those of you who know my husband, you probably knew his father. For those of you that did not know Amos, let me just say, he was the "King of Teasing". Not teasing for the sake of teasing, but teasing until you cried and screamed "Uncle" teasing! My husband and first born inherited this trait.

I quietly watched as my son carried Billy everywhere. I allowed him to wear him as ornate jewelry around his neck. I even think I let him sleep with the long, black thing. Mostly Billy was quiet and stayed out of my way. The day came when Chase became keenly aware of my fear of snakes. Suddenly, Billy showed up in the oddest of places: in the cupboards, curled up around the base of a flower pot, on top of the toy box. The day my biggest fear became reality was when I was sorting laundry and Billy was found among the "darks". I thought for certain the paramedics would have to be called and the "paddles" would have to be used to bring my heart back to a normal arrhythmia. Somehow I survived the ordeal without intervention. Billy survived too. I do not recall seeing Billy for some time. (years even) One day, without warning, Billy showed his ugly face! I was pruning some bushes outside. Visions of what may lie under these shrubs were already swirling around in my head. Visions that came to fruition as I moved on to the Flowering Magnolia Tree. There, hanging from the limb I was about to cut , was a four foot long, black, Billy! I could hear my heart beat outside my chest. Again, I was certain that all the CPR, "paddles", and nitroglycerin tablets were not going to save me. Heart Attack! Stroke! Laughter! Laughter? Chase was on the ground...laughing hysterically! Not funny! I was looking for the nearest shovel, hoe, or sharp object with which to dissect the long, rubber reptile. Billy got lucky. Billy disappeared.

I have not seen Billy for a very long time. I have had time to recuperate from all the trauma he caused. A few weeks ago, Cole found Billy in one of Chase's drawers. (Obviously, one I do not put clothes in). I really thought I had recycled Billy to Goodwill. I thought wrong! I also thought that my sweet Cole would have no interest in a very long, very realistic looking, very black, snake. Wrong again! He likes him! He too likes to adorn his neck with Billy. I choose to ignore it all. I hope Billy soon will be forgotten and he can end up in the bottom of a box headed to the nearest donation site. A nice tax deduction I think!

Not so fast! Billy reared his ugly head again today! This is what I saw when I opened the freezer to thaw out something for dinner.

Not funny! Not funny at all! Now all the men in my family have "gotten me " with this stinkin' snake! Cole said he was just trying to freeze Billy. I think he was trying to freeze my blood flow. Well, they have all had a good laugh at my expense. Mommy will have the last laugh though! (I am thinking of boxes. Nicely wrapped . Pretty ribbon. With "pieces" of Billy in each one!) I am only kidding, but I have a feeling we may have seen the last of Billy!


Susan Hancock said...

Mercy Wendy! This is just too perfect- I love your boys and their zest for life! Big spirits in little bodies....

It reminds me of a time not so long ago with my Joel was about 3. He had been in the backyard playing and he came up to me with about 8 inches of the end of a garter snake. I asked him what he was doing with the snake, and he said... "I eat it Mama." So yes, my son had eaten the head and half of the body of a dead snake because he thought it was beef jerky. Ugh. I thought I was a-gonna die.

"Snakes and snails, and puppy dog tails, that's what little boys are made of."

stephanie howard said...

LOL, I love you! This was so funny, and I can relate. You see being married to a Howard I have the same problem. Most of me items show up in the freezer or washer.. If it was a collection of Joel's he will put it in a cup, container or box add some water and then put it in the freezer. When I find these items he tells me it's his experiment, and not to bother it. Once completely frozen he gets a butter knife, skewer, toothbrush, or anything that resembles a sword. Then it begins, chop, smash, saw, etc., etc, etc, until you can no longer tell if it was a worm, fish or water bug. Now Landon's treasures end up in the washer, because he puts everything in his pocket to bring home and forgets about them until I find them. I need one of those glass cases like they have at the zoo that say please don't feed the Hippo's, displaying items they have found in the hippos living area. Mine needs to read… Please don‘t feed the washer. So far in the past seven years I have collected acorns, rocks, minnows, water bugs, worms, arrowheads, marbles, sticks, leaves, fish food (the marshmallow kind), sea shells, Catawba worms, duck food (pellets), mushrooms, and the most recent dirt clumps. However I was informed they were not dirt clumps, they were moss patches he dug up. Oh the joys of Howard Boy's!

Anonymous said...

This is too funny!! I've seen Billy before and he looks very real at a quick glance..this is way too funny!!!!!

Lyla said...

wow!!Susan Wendi and Steph...what you all need to do is raise true blue city boys!! My boys HATE spiders, snakes, bugs and creepy crawling things as much as I do!! hahaha!! no really they do! John John screams like a girl when he sees one! Yeah, I boys are the weirdos but, if they had done this to me I would've beat them with Billy!!! hahahah!!! oh sorry some demented Tongan humor there for ya! Love you all and love the blog Wendi!

Wendi said...

Oh my...I don't think that my boys have ever come home with a half-eaten snake... I think I would die too! Does his girlfriend know about this? She may don't tell her! (LOL!) I am thinking you should have your own blog, so you can share your experiences with everyone...or maybe you could write a book...tell me more! Thanks for sharing! ~Wendi

What is it with Howard boys? Cole is all about putting his toys in a bowl of water and "freezing" them. It drives me crazy! I am sure there is some creative outlet that they will be able to plug into as they get older...I am hoping anyway. Thanks for sharing...too funny! Oh, and when you get that plexi-glass box installed by your washer we want to take a "field trip" to your house to see what is in it! (LOL!)~Wendi

Pennies In My Pocket said...

Just stumbled onto your blog and boy oh boy did the snake catch my eye! LOL This was toooooo funny!! Love it!


Courtney said...

Wendy... you are hilarious... I so enjoy reading your blog, and can't wait to see you this weekend!!

Elaine A. said...

I always imagine things "lurking" in the bushes when I am working in the yard so that one would've been the worst for me too.

I can tell ya, Billy woulda been gone A LONG time ago at my house!! EEEEK!

Thanks for linking up today, I've had fun ready everyone's old posts!

4funboys said...

LORDY... I HHHHHHHHate those darn things.

and of course, the boys love em.

Debbie said...

Came over from Elaine's.
We have the same snake! His name is Scriptor. He has been on the bottom of the pool and all other places to scare everyone!